What can I expect when it comes to contact?

Many questions about contact begin with a doubt: am I even entitled to this? This text sets out the basics and shows where the line runs between what is law and what is merely custom.

This guide is written for parents in Germany and describes German family law as it stood on the publication date. If your child lives in another country, different rules may apply.

Published on 7 September 2026

Illustration: a calendar page with highlighted weekends, next to it an open door

What you are entitled to

The starting point is a single sentence in the law: "The child has the right to contact with each parent; each parent is obliged and entitled to have contact with the child." (§ 1684(1) BGB, the German Civil Code)

Two things about this are often overlooked. First, it is the child's right before it is yours. Second, contact is not solely a right for you, it is also a duty.

According to the Familienportal des Bundes (the federal government's family portal), contact includes not only meeting in person but also contact by letter, email and telephone. So contact does not end at the other parent's front door.

Both parents are also obliged to refrain from anything that harms the child's relationship with the other parent or makes their upbringing more difficult (§ 1684(2) BGB). And if you do not know how your child is doing for a longer period, you can, where you have a legitimate interest, demand information about the child's personal circumstances, as long as this is not contrary to the child's welfare (§ 1686 BGB).

What contact is for

Before we get to rhythm, holidays and journeys, it is worth looking at the purpose. Contact is not a claim that parents enforce against each other. It exists so that your child keeps a relationship with both of you. Courts, too, decide such proceedings according to what best serves the child's welfare (§ 1697a BGB).

That sounds obvious and is hard in everyday life, because there are often real wounds between the parents. For the child, this has one particular consequence: as a rule they love both parents, and they notice very precisely when that love becomes a problem. When it does, the child ends up in a loyalty conflict in which every answer is a betrayal of one of you. Children usually resolve this by adapting, avoiding subjects or telling each household whatever goes down well there. That costs them energy they would need for other things.

What helps is unspectacular and in your hands:

Do not interrogate your child. What they want to tell you, they will tell you. The rest belongs to the child.
Do not use your child as a messenger. Arrangements between adults are made between adults, the unpleasant ones included.
Do not run the other parent down, not even in passing and not on the phone in the next room. A child takes that personally.
Do not make your child take adult decisions. The question of whose house they would like to be at for Christmas is not a choice for a child, it is an imposition.
Explain cancellations matter-of-factly. "It did not work out this time, I am looking forward to the next one" carries further than blame.

This is not just a question of attitude, it is also in the law: both parents must refrain from anything that harms the child's relationship with the other parent (§ 1684(2) BGB).

And it has a consequence for everything else recommended in these guides. Documenting is sensible, but it happens without your child: no entries in front of their eyes, no statements elicited from them, no role as a witness. What your child says and experiences does not belong in the file but in a memory book. The documentation is for the adults who will one day look at it. The contact is for your child.

What is customary and what is not

This is where the most common disappointment lies. The law names no frequency, no duration and no rhythm. There is no statutory entitlement to "every other weekend and half the holidays".

What there is, is a practice. Every two weeks from Friday to Sunday, plus part of the holidays and alternating public holidays: that is widespread, but it is custom, not a rule. What contact looks like is agreed between the parents. If no agreement is reached, the Familiengericht (family court) can decide on the extent of the right of contact and regulate how it is exercised (§ 1684(3) BGB).

Under § 1684(4) BGB, contact is restricted or excluded insofar as this is necessary for the child's welfare. A permanent restriction requires that the child's welfare be endangered (Kindeswohlgefährdung). A dispute between the parents is not enough for that.

Incidentally, the right of contact is not reserved for the parents. Grandparents and siblings have a right to contact if it serves the child's welfare; the same applies to close attachment figures with whom the child has lived for a longer period (§ 1685 BGB).

When contact does not take place

There is a big difference between a cancelled appointment and a breach of an enforceable court order. As long as contact is simply agreed between the two of you, there is nothing to enforce. In this situation the Jugendamt (youth welfare office), which advises and supports parents on contact, can mediate.

It is different when there is a court decision or a court-approved agreement. If that is breached, the court can impose coercive measures; a single Ordnungsgeld (coercive fine) may not exceed 25,000 euros (§ 89 FamFG, the German Act on Proceedings in Family Matters). The Familienportal des Bundes points out expressly that a coercive fine can also be imposed retrospectively, after the contact date has already passed.

In the case of lasting or repeated serious breaches of the duty under § 1684(2) BGB, the court can also order a temporary Umgangspflegschaft (contact guardianship) (§ 1684(3) BGB).

What you should record yourself

All these routes have one thing in common: they require that what happened can be traced. A court, a Jugendamt or a lawyer works with what is on the table.

So keep a plain chronology from the start:

Every agreed appointment, with date and time
Whether it took place, was cancelled or was changed
For cancellations, the reason given, word for word, and when you learned of it
Your own response, such as a proposed replacement date
Costs you incurred anyway, with receipts

Write descriptively, not judgementally. What that looks like in detail is covered in the guide Keeping a contact log: factual, not judgemental.

Sources

§ 1684 BGB, the child's contact with the parents, Bundesministerium der Justiz (Federal Ministry of Justice), gesetze-im-internet.de
§ 1685 BGB, contact between the child and other attachment figures, gesetze-im-internet.de
§ 1697a BGB, the principle of the child's welfare, gesetze-im-internet.de
§ 1686 BGB, information about the child's personal circumstances, gesetze-im-internet.de
§ 89 FamFG, coercive measures, gesetze-im-internet.de
Was regelt das Umgangsrecht? (What does the right of contact regulate?), Familienportal des Bundes, Bundesministerium für Familie, Senioren, Frauen und Jugend (Federal Ministry for Family Affairs, Senior Citizens, Women and Youth)