Father without custody: what contact means today and what you can record

Without custody you still have a right of contact with your child. This guide sets out what custody covers, what contact is and what you can write down.

This guide is written for parents in Germany and describes German family law as it stood on 22 October 2026. If your child lives in another country, different rules may apply.

If you are a mother without custody, the same applies to you when it comes to contact: the law speaks of each parent.

Published on 22 October 2026. Legal information as of 22 October 2026.

Illustration: an open garden gate in a fence, a path leading through it, next to it a letterbox with a letter

Custody and contact are two different things

In German law, custody is called elterliche Sorge (parental responsibility, in everyday speech Sorgerecht). The law defines it as "the duty and the right to care for the minor child". It covers care for the child's person and for the child's property (§ 1626(1) BGB, the German Civil Code). In other words, it is the legal responsibility for the child.

Contact, Umgang in German, is something else: the time and the connection between you and your child. The law says: "The child has the right to contact with each parent; each parent is obliged and entitled to have contact with the child." (§ 1684(1) BGB). This sentence does not mention custody. It applies to each parent, including you.

Another provision explains why: "As a rule, contact with both parents is part of the child's welfare." (§ 1626(3) BGB)

How a father comes to be without custody is mainly governed by § 1626a BGB. If the parents were not married to each other when the child was born, they only share custody if both declare that they want to take it on jointly (Sorgeerklärungen, declarations of joint parental responsibility), if they marry each other, or if the Familiengericht (family court) transfers it to them jointly. Otherwise the mother has sole custody. Where separated parents share custody, the family court can, on application, also transfer it to one parent alone (§ 1671(1) BGB).

What you have without custody: contact and information

Contact. It is your right and at the same time your duty, and the law names the child's right first. How often and for how long is not set out in the law. Where you as parents cannot agree, the family court can decide on the scope of contact and set out in more detail how it is exercised (§ 1684(3) BGB). What is customary in the individual questions is described in the guide What can I expect when it comes to contact?.

Information. "Each parent may, where there is a legitimate interest, request information from the other parent about the child's personal circumstances, as long as this is not contrary to the child's welfare." (§ 1686 BGB). This, too, does not depend on custody. What counts as a legitimate interest and how far the information goes depends on the individual case.

A duty for both. Parents must refrain from anything that harms the child's relationship with the other parent or makes the child's upbringing more difficult (§ 1684(2) BGB). This works in both directions, for the parent with custody just as for you.

What you can apply for

At the family court you can mainly apply for the following. Which of these fits depends on your situation.

Joint custody. On application, the family court transfers custody or part of it to both parents jointly if this is not contrary to the child's welfare. If the other parent puts forward no reasons against it and none are otherwise apparent, it is presumed that joint custody is not contrary to the child's welfare (§ 1626a(2) BGB).
A contact arrangement. The family court can decide on the scope of contact and set out how it is exercised (§ 1684(3) BGB).
Sole custody. If you live apart and the mother has sole custody under § 1626a(3), the father can apply for it to be transferred to him in full or in part. The court grants this if the mother agrees, unless this is contrary to the child's welfare or a child aged 14 or over objects. Without her agreement, joint custody must be ruled out and the transfer to the father must be expected to serve the child's welfare best (§ 1671(2) BGB).

The law also covers the opposite direction: the family court can restrict or exclude contact where this is necessary for the child's welfare. For a longer period or permanently, this is only possible if the child's welfare would otherwise be at risk. The court can also order that contact only takes place in the presence of a willing third party, for example a youth welfare organisation (§ 1684(4) BGB).

The yardstick in all of these provisions is the child's welfare. How a court will decide in your case cannot be read from the text of the law. A lawyer specialising in family law can give you an assessment of your situation.

Where the Jugendamt helps

You have a right to advice from the Jugendamt (youth welfare office). Parents and others entitled to contact have it when exercising the right of contact. The law expressly names mediation and, where suitable, practical help with information about the child, with establishing contact and with carrying out court-ordered or agreed contact arrangements (§ 18(3) SGB VIII, the German Social Code, Book Eight). Your child also has their own right to advice and support on contact.

If you were not married, the Jugendamt also advises both parents on how to make a declaration of joint parental responsibility and on how joint custody can be transferred by the court (§ 18(2) SGB VIII). These declarations must be publicly certified (§ 1626d BGB). The certifying officer at the Jugendamt can do this, and so can a notary (§ 59(1) SGB VIII). Both parents have to make the declaration.

What you can record

Whether in a meeting at the Jugendamt, with a lawyer or in court: whoever looks at your situation was not there. That person works with what can be traced. A plain chronology is enough for that. It includes:

Agreed times: which contact was arranged for when, and how, whether verbally, by message, at the Jugendamt or through the court
Actual times: when you picked your child up and when you brought them back
Cancellations: when you heard about the cancellation, how and with what reason, as it was given, plus your reply, such as a suggested replacement date
Costs and journeys: date, route and kilometres or the ticket, plus receipts for what you spent along the way
Good moments: what you did together and what your child told you. These entries are for you and your child, not for a file, and so they belong in a separate place.

It helps to write down what happened and leave out your own judgement. After a cancellation that is hard. Instead of "cancelled at short notice yet again", the entry reads: "Fri, 18:05, message: contact on Saturday will not take place. Reason given: child has a cold. My reply 18:20: suggested Sunday." An entry like that still holds true if the other parent reads it. What this looks like day to day is described in more detail in the guide Keeping a contact log: factual, not judgemental.

It is best to make notes on the same day, while you still remember the wording, and to record when you wrote them down. Your child does not have to do anything for these records. They do not have to bear witness and are not asked anything for this.

Sources

§ 1626 BGB, parental responsibility, principles, Bundesministerium der Justiz (Federal Ministry of Justice), gesetze-im-internet.de
§ 1626a BGB, parental responsibility of parents not married to each other; declarations of joint parental responsibility, gesetze-im-internet.de
§ 1626d BGB, form; duty to notify, gesetze-im-internet.de
§ 1671 BGB, transfer of sole custody when parents live apart, gesetze-im-internet.de
§ 1684 BGB, the child's contact with the parents, gesetze-im-internet.de
§ 1686 BGB, information about the child's personal circumstances, gesetze-im-internet.de
§ 18 SGB VIII, advice and support in exercising personal care and the right of contact, gesetze-im-internet.de
§ 59 SGB VIII, certification, gesetze-im-internet.de